As many of you know, I’ve always been a transparent person. I don’t share every part of my story. However, I do believe that testimonies are meant to be shared. You never know who might find healing in your words. A few months ago, I blogged about my father and about the importance of a father’s presence, especially in a child’s life. Often, I find myself contemplating the impact of his role in my life and the emptiness his inconsistency created. I will delve into my relationship with my father in Unveiled: The Secrets That Saved Me and explore how his absence during my youth influenced me throughout my teenage and adult years.

It’s a strange full-circle moment, because now, my daughter is about the same age I was when my father was what I call a “popcorn dad.” He would pop in, then pop right back out; never staying long enough to be steady. My daughter reminds me so much of myself. She looks just like me; just with more boldness, more words, more light. She’s expressive, funny, and deeply observant. And today, she looked at me with those big curious eyes and asked something that cracked my heart open:

“Mommy, why doesn’t my daddy want to see me?”

I paused, searching for words I knew would protect her heart, even if they bent the truth a little. I said, “Baby, daddy has to work sometimes. He’s just not able to see you during the week right now.” She frowned, thinking for a moment, and said, but he used to work when he lived with us. He still took me to school sometimes. He came to my school events. What changed? He still works the same kind of job.” I told her gently, “That’s a question you’ll have to ask your daddy.”

What she doesn’t know is that her father and I had just had that conversation a few days earlier. He told me flat out, “I’m just not getting them during the week.” What’s intriguing is that just a few months ago, he was pleading for additional time. I accommodated his request, but he immediately began complaining and offering excuses. He claimed it was too much for both the kids and me, although I’m uncertain how he determines what’s excessive for me. Then he gaslights by insisting that he never said that. He tends to use his job and work hours as an excuse, yet he has the same position he held when we agreed to this custody schedule during mediation.

His job hasn’t changed; only his willingness has. And the truth is, that’s always been the pattern.Even during our time together, he attempted to organize his life in a way that minimized responsibility. He preferred schedules that kept him distant. He would inquire about my thoughts on him taking night shifts or deliberately choose to work extended hours. I often covered for him. I was the one rising early, preparing lunches, handling drop-offs and pick-ups, treating the kids to Starbucks, and being the parent who was always present. I did everything possible to ensure the kids never sensed the inconsistency. But now, my daughter is old enough to see it for herself. And today, I realized something:

It’s time to redirect her energy away from disappointment, and toward something that builds her.

That’s when I decided this: I won’t force a father to be what he doesn’t want to be. I won’t chase anyone to show up for their child. Instead, I’ll teach her that love doesn’t beg. Love shows up. The purpose of this blog isn’t to bash him; it’s to speak to every single parent out there who’s trying to navigate this same kind of heartbreak from their child(ren).

If you’re a single parent and your co-parent chooses inconsistency and if they do the bare minimum, show up every other weekend, or sometimes not at all; I want to give you this advice that I had to learn the hard way:

Stop waiting on them.

Stop building your peace around their participation.

Stop sitting on pins and needles, wondering when or if they’ll come through.

Live your life as if they died.

Expect nothing; not a call, not a text, not an ounce of help. It sounds harsh, but sometimes you have to pretend like they’re gone because physically, they already are. When I stopped waiting, I started living again. Me and my kids laugh, travel, have family nights, and make memories; without checking the clock to see if he’ll show up. 

And you know what? I realized something else too. When I entertained the idea of reconciling with him before the divorce was finalized, he was very active…talking about school shopping, supporting the kids in sports, and family outings. But the moment he knew reconciliation wasn’t happening, everything stopped. His interest in the kids faded with his access to me. And that right there was the confirmation I needed: when love is conditional, so is commitment.

That’s why I’m learning to thank God for revelation; even when it hurts. Because sometimes God will let the truth expose itself in silence.

My daughter recently had an emergency and was in the hospital. She noticed her dad never called. She said, “Mom, my dad didn’t even talk to me. He didn’t call me.”

And I tried to protect her again, saying, “He did ask how you were doing.”

She looked at me and said, “But he didn’t talk to me.” That’s when I stopped defending him. Because she’s right; she’s not blind, and she’s not naive. Children see what we think they can’t. And the truth is, you don’t ever have to badmouth an absent parent because life will do that part for you. Time reveals who’s consistent, who’s loving, who’s safe. Children eventually see it for themselves.

My older sons already told me, “Mom, we’re fine with just you. You’re consistent. You’re reliable. You’re everything we need.” My daughter isn’t there yet; she’s still longing for that connection. But I know that as time passes, she’ll adjust. She’ll heal. She’ll see that her value was never tied to his ability to show up.

Until then, I’ll keep guiding her gently. I’ll keep reminding her that she’s loved, she’s wanted, and she’s whole, even without his validation.

So, to every single parent reading this:

Keep showing up.

Keep loving your babies.

Keep building peace in your home, even when someone else chooses chaos.

Stop chasing after people who abandoned their assignment.

You can’t teach someone how to value what they don’t want to hold.

But you can teach your children what real love looks like by showing up, every single day.

Because when the other parent fades, you are the one who stays.

And that presence; that steady love, will be what heals them in the end.

Also, keep this in mind:
1 Timothy 5:8
The scripture states: “But if anyone does not provide for his children, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

While it may feel as though your burdens are heavy and the other parent is escaping responsibility, trust that God will take care of that situation; vengeance belongs to the Lord.