There comes a moment in a woman’s life when she must tell herself the truth. Not the edited version of truth. Not the version that protects her image. The real one. I had that moment in therapy yesterday. After everything I’ve walked through… divorce, trauma, seasons of solitude, nights when I pleaded and prayed to God, asking Him to alleviate the pain and give me healing….I revealed something during therapy yesterday: I have a fear of falling in love again.

Not because I don’t desire love. I do. Deeply. I believe in covenant, partnership, praying together before making decisions, and building something that can outlive storms. But it is hard to be receptive to love when every time you attempted to love, it led to disloyalty, dishonesty, disrespect; everything but love!

When you have given your heart in good faith and watched it be mishandled, your nervous system remembers. When you have shown up loyal and been met with secrecy, your spirit remembers. When you have prayed over a man who later betrayed you, your soul remembers. So when someone new approaches you with kindness, your body does not immediately relax. It braces.

And I wasn’t perfect in my past relationships. Let me be clear. I have never claimed perfection. I’ve had moments of frustration. I’ve reacted emotionally. I’ve stayed in situations longer than God would have advised. I’ve loved too hard in some seasons and withdrawn too quickly in others. But here is what I know about myself without hesitation: I begin every relationship loving.

I start soft.
I start supportive.
I start nurturing.

I show up cooking, encouraging, praying, building, believing. I show up trying to be the best partner I know how to be. I show up loyal and faithful. What people conveniently leave out of the stories they tell about me now… about me being “closed off” or “unaccessible”; is what happened to get me there.

Something happened.

Because anyone who truly knows me will tell you: I shoot it straight. I do not sugarcoat. I do not tolerate disrespect. But I am one of the most loving, generous, nurturing women you will ever encounter. I will pour into you. I will believe in you. I will hold you down. I will cover you in prayer.

It used to be that I would stay that way even after I was crossed. I would overextend grace. I would rationalize red flags. I would pray for potential instead of honoring patterns. I would say, “He’s just going through something.” I would silence my intuition because I wanted the story to work.

But now? Now my life is peaceful.

Peaceful in a way I fought for.
Peaceful in a way I earned.
Peaceful in a way I will protect.

So I operate differently. I am loving from the beginning. I am warm from the beginning. I am open from the beginning. But once your actions contradict your words; once inconsistency becomes a pattern, once respect starts slipping, once transparency becomes foggy… I do not argue, beg, or chase clarity from someone committed to confusion.

I become unavailable.

Not bitter.
Not loud.
Not dramatic.

Unavailable.

Boundaries are not revenge, they are a form of self-preservation! After all I’ve endured I take Proverbs 4:23 more serious than I ever have before. It is practice. Guard your heart, for everything flows from it. 

For a long time, though, guarding became closing. Independence became armor. “I got my own everything” became a shield. And while that statement is true; I do have my own… I had to ask myself whether I was proclaiming strength or hiding pain.

Because here’s what trauma will do: it will make you categorize people to feel safe. It will tell you all men are lustful because one man lacked discipline. It will tell you all men are inconsistent because one man was unstable. It will convince you that expecting disappointment is wisdom.

But wisdom is not pessimism.

And I had to confront my assumptions. I have met men since my divorce who wanted nothing from me but my time. Men who respected my abstinence. Men who admired my discipline. Men who were kind, present, and patient. And yet, I still struggled to fully receive. I kept scanning for the red-flags. I kept preparing for the betrayal.

That is self-protection turned self-sabotage.

Therapy helps me see that my fear is not about men. It is about loss of control. Love requires surrender. It requires vulnerability. It requires the willingness to be seen without a defense strategy. And for a woman who has rebuilt her life brick by brick.. financially aligned, spiritually disciplined, emotionally aware; vulnerability feels risky.

But isolation is not healing. It is avoidance.

I refuse to let what someone else did to me keep me from the love and the blessings God is preparing for me. I refuse to let betrayal dictate my future. I refuse to let dishonesty harden me into someone I am not.

I want to love from an open place. Not an anxious place. Not a hyper-vigilant place. I don’t want to sit across from a man analyzing every text message for hidden meaning. I don’t want to smile while secretly preparing for disappointment. All I can do is be who I am; loving, direct, discerning, nurturing; and let God order my steps.

If a man is not disciplined, he will reveal it.
If a man is not aligned, it will surface.
If a man lacks integrity, time will expose it.

And when it does, I will exit gracefully.

But I will not prematurely punish the right man for the sins of the wrong ones.

I am in the most peaceful season of my life. I love myself more deeply than I ever have. I have done the solitude. I have done the crying. I have done the self-examination. I have owned my part, repented where necessary, forgiven, and grown in so many ways. 

So when my Boaz comes, I want to meet him from overflow, not survival. I want to be able to speak life into him the way I speak life into my children. I want us to pray before we react. I want our disagreements to be mature, not manipulative. I want passion that is protected by discipline. I want love that is covered by obedience.

And until then? I will keep living, building, writing, healing, and smiling… not to attract attention, but because I am genuinely at peace.

I fear nothing but God. And if He sends love my way, it will not destroy me. It will align with me. It will honor me. It will complement the woman I have become.

I am guarded. But I am not closed.

And this time, when love comes, it will meet a woman who knows her worth, knows her boundaries, and knows her God.

That is not fear.

That is faith.

-Shell